myfelicitations

After beginning 2009 with a spot of intense meditation I have welcomed an absolutely wonderful year so far. I have noticed I approach many new tasks with new eyes and a new frame of mind! The initial inspiration for most of my new works this year have come from one of the most unassuming places, the curtains above my bed.

It was this simple image that I wake up to every day that I see such simple beauty in, it inspired me to play with the gorgeous curvy flowing lines and explore space, form, line and light without being so concerned or driven by meaning. This is quite a departure for me as for the most part over the past few years at uni I have been driven by my need to express meaning when beginning new works. I have found this to be a wonderful way to work as it has freed me from being so attached to the works and therefor allowed me to play in more of a playful way than I have for a long time. Here are some of the varied works that have in been inspired by this one image.

This was the first work where I played with the basic forms as a kind of motif in the background of this painting. This painting has been posted in an earlier post when it was still a work in progress.

Acrylics on canvas.

Photo by Julie Larpent

Well, these holidays have been some of the most rewarding for me in a long, long time! 2008 was surely an eventful year for me and I realised that I had gotten a little too comfortable (possibly lazy) in my expectations of lifestyle, finances, health, time management & self-discipline. So when I experienced some significant changes with regard to some of these matters I did not cope so well & experienced some pretty low moments! I was playing the poor me game for a while. I see now that having landing in the dungeons of lowness for a while did me good! It allowed me to see what I had been storing up & it seemed I had a bit of cleaning to do while I was down there! How does the saying go…. ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger’. Now… I do understand that what I went through was certainly not the worst of experiences to go through, but for what ever reason it all happened at a moment of weakness & a fairly moderate series of events just knocked me over… sending me flying into a fluctuating bout of depression.

I was started on a course of medication, which lasted only a short time as I discovered for me the medication managed to rob from me the ability to write, create & care deeply, basically it robbed me of any motivation. (Note: this is just my experience & is not a judgment on medications in general). This situation was not good as I had university assessments to write & make and being the mother of 2 beautiful children & having many wonderful people in my life including myself to care for deeply…. This was unacceptable! So I began to seek alternatives to calm my mind and lead me back to a healthy mind, body & spirit! I reduced my study load & started to care for myself in a way that a mother would care for her child! That’s right, I needed nurturing again. I thought about how I care for my children & realised I deserved the same level of encouragement, nurturing & unconditional love. So I turned to the notion of self-parenting. I began teaching myself lessons of self-care etc. This approach helped me and I began to slowly find my way back to inner peace. Being forced down a path that I wouldn’t have necessarily chosen if I could have stayed in my ‘comfort zone’ has been a very rewarding one. This challenging series of events has forced me to a path of change, some big & some small but all in hindsight have been beneficial to my journey.

This journey led me to discover Vipassana (a meditation technique) during my quest to find ways to ease my sometimes over active mind and constant yearning for spiritual growth. I did as much research as I could over the internet before signing up for a 10 Day Vipassana course being given at Pomona near the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. I had no misgivings that this was indeed going to be an extreme challenge for myself and was certainly going to throw me out of my comfort zones. It is a very intense course not to be entered into lightly as there are many strict rules to be observed. Noble silence, which of course means no phone access, no tv, no radio, no writing, no internet, no communications at all other than limited interviews with the assistant teachers. I arrived very nervously mid afternoon the day before the course began where I was directed to the female side of the retreat centre. Separated from the males myself & my fellow course participants were given a light meal and at this stage we were permitted to talk, so I had a chance to introduce myself & get to know some of people I would be sharing spaces with over the following 10 days.

I find it difficult to explain what I experienced during my 10 Day course as no words can explain the experience in full but in an attempt I will give you some of what I wrote in my Journal a week after my return.

13/1/2009 Diary Entry
I have been back from Vipassana for a week now but not ready to write until now! Who would have thought that would happen? (I used to write daily). Admittedly I have been busy with my kids as they arrived back from their little holiday a day after me. But I have been enjoying an inner peace… true calmness within, that I’m not sure I have ever experienced. I have also not felt the need to process thoughts either in my head or on paper like I have tended to do previously. I still of course think about things but I notice I don’t tend to get carried away by my thoughts. (Interesting visual there!)

Vipassana was challenging, rewarding and certainly not relaxing. I don’t think I would be able to describe accurately what exactly it is I learned & experienced. I don’t think I will try to tell the whole experience… it really is something you have to do for yourself to understand what it is they teach! Most definitely I experienced ups & downs & most definitely I felt like running away on day 2 & day 6. However, I am grateful that I found reasons to stay as I learned many lessons that I wouldn’t have if I had of run when I felt it was getting too much.

Some things I learned about myself while doing the course were:
• I am stronger than I thought I was.
• I have a strong sense of determination within me.
• It is safe to be quiet externally & internally.
• I enjoy peace & quiet.
• If I engage with stillness I can observe truth.

With noble silence in place, my inner voice became rather amplified. I heard the stories I told myself for what they were…. ‘madness’! But when monkey mind began to weaken and true stillness set in…. I sat with myself, my true authentic self and I liked her! She is loving, beautiful, she is calm & wise, she is compassionate, she is pure love!

It was not an easy task to get to the place where she sat. For the first 3 or 4 days of 10 hours of meditations each day & noble silence 24hrs a day, so only my thoughts for company, I experienced what they call monkey mind. I now realize I had been experiencing monkey mind often in everyday life beforehand. My thoughts were left to themselves to explore all kinds of madness, stories with such details, filth, anger, violence, stupidity, fantasy & craziness galore! I basically think I reached a point where I had finally heard it all for what it truly was, ‘madness’. Through the experience of being in a setting where you sit with those thoughts and listen to them for soooo long you reach a point where you just wake-up! This is cathartic! Totally freeing! This does not mean I don’t listen to my thoughts anymore, but I have a heightened sense of awareness of my thoughts. I have improved my skills for recognizing mind rubbish and I am able to stop & clear the rubbish before it piles up into detailed stories! This is amazing! These skills are helping me to live a more present life and let go of past & future stories.

The actual techniques of meditation I was taught also have their own set of lessons through experience. Too many to try & describe but sitting for sooo many hours day after day for 10 days you experience your body! Your true body! I don’t know how to explain it but just as we allow ourselves to tell detailed fictional stories within our headspace that can get in the way of living a life of freedom, we can often do the same with our bodies. Because our brain controls our bodies we may tell ourselves fictional tales on why we need that chocolate cake or why we couldn’t possibly survive 45mins of that treadmill. We tell ourselves tales of pain and associate that pain with parts of our bodies & then accept ownership & identify with it as MINE!

I sat with my body & experienced many, many sensations throughout, trying to detach from the habit of labeling with such words as pain, burning, tingling, numbness, vibrations & pumping. To be honest, I’m not sure I reached the stage where I dropped the labels. To sit with your body and experience it for what it is, I found the greatest contradiction of my whole experience. My perception of my body when in deep meditation would be constantly changing! Once I reached a depth of meditation where I was at one, surveying my body for sensations, I discovered I would at times lose the awareness of my body as a whole! I was still aware of sensations being experienced within my body, either part or whole but I would often be unaware of how my body was positioned. How far away from my head were my hands, my arms, my legs? Where on my body were my hands resting? It was all a mystery? During some meditations I lost my sense of scale. Whilst experiencing deep meditation & being aware of sensations on parts or the whole of my body I became unable to sense the scale of my body within the space I sat. I began to feel separate from my body. During many meditations I felt that I was actually slightly behind my body.

Why do I find this contradictive? Because I now believe that our bodies are not our truths! I’m not sure how to explain it! Maybe our bodies are just another extension of our brain and we know the stories we can tell ourselves within our headspace! To what detail are the brain & body function & thoughts intertwined? That might sound like a silly question given the medical science that has been achieved to date but I’m not talking typical medical book stuff here! I know if I change my thoughts I can change my experience of life in a phenomenological manner. Can I do a similar thing with my body? Is my experience of my body the truth? Is what I see in the mirror the truth or is it just my experience according to my current mindset? Is the pain in my knee truth or is it my experience according to my current mindset. Is what others see when they look at me the truth or is their vision of me an extension of their current mindset? I am aware this is now sounding kind of out there! But… I feel these questions are worthy of contemplation! My body is not my truth! It is a symptom of my current mindset! If I do not enjoy my experience of my body shape, size or sensation then I need to visit my mindset…. This is the engine room where all instructions are given.

This works the same with my life experience! My lifestyle is not my truth! My truth lies in a mysterious place where I have to be extremely still to access. My lifestyle is a symptom of my current mindset! This is the beginning of a new path! I can learn to love myself with peace, with breath, with calmness & in doing so love others deeper!

So this is what I wrote after a week out of Vipassana! It has now been 3 weeks since Vipassana and it is amazing how old habits surface with such ease. I am really mindful at how hard I am going to have to work to get rid of some old habits. Like a comfy old shoe it is sooo easy to slip back into it! I have a better appreciation for the fact that everything is constantly changing and so I am learning that to accept change big & small will make way for the middle path, a more pleasant life experience.

If you read this far I thank you & wish you a happy new year full of joys, peace & compassion.

Felicity :)